i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
hmm conte-me mais
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.