When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
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Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord