i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
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My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more