Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Very good news from my accountant
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.