You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously