I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
This line from Airplane.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.