Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
It do be feeling this way.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.