Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
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he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
starting a garage orchestra
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry