WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
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We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing