Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
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bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.