When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
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I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.