me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
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[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.