I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
This will never not be funny 😭
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.