Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
You Might Also Like
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
A roof is a house hat.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle