My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.