I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last