Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Same post same
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
*pronounces patio like ratio
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Golf would be better with landmines.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie