Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
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frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!