Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
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A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.