quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
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[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.