Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.