This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
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If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
bias laundering edition
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
[eats all your cotton candy]
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Most fashion shows these days…
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.