“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
we’re gonna need another temp
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
same bro
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son