My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
The days of good grammer has went
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm