due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”