She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
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My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
this post was so formative to me
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot