[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
We decided to have money instead of children.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
🙀🙀🙀😹