I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
You Might Also Like
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
titanic
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?