You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
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“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Danger is very dangerous
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.