[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
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You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me: