*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.