Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
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Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Pot warmers of the day.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
🤣✨#caturday
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.