Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
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Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger