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Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.