If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
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Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!