Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
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There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
PARKOUR
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?