Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm