very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
A man of commitment.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.