every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
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Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
What
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower