I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
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When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”