Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I hate everything
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.