My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
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My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.