Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
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BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection