I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
inside you are two wolves
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.