Doggies just call it style.
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“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.