Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”