I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
OKAY DAD
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.