me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
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Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket