Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
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I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous