My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
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Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.